Art of Flaming

Lazy Eyed Emo

You can cry, but I'll be over here laughing.

If there is one thing the world needs more of, it's an excuse to laugh at Emos. Not that there is a lack of reasons to laugh at them mind you, but the universe has been kind enough to give us yet another reason to let out a good roar. It's not their overly tight pants, or supposed alienation and loneliness that nobody ( other than the other 4.6 million of them in that specific region) can understand. No, the good laugh is about their hair. Or, I should say ANOTHER reason to laugh at their hair.

According to the Optometrists Association of Tasmania Education's Director Andrew Hogan, the most iconic of Emo hairstyle, can in fact lead to amblyopia. That is medical jargon for lazy eye for us people of the humanities. Andrew went on to say that an eye that is constantly covered by hair- like the emo hair styles- it is not able to see detail or really get much work, and can cause the eye to become lazy.

I guess there is something good out of this. It gives an Emo something to actually whine about, but then again, this would be something “ they” are at fault for. It's not like they would actually do anything about it anyway. They don't need to because their wealthy parents will find them all sorts of experts to help, while the Emo sat in their nice, upper middle class home, texting their problems to their 200 friends on their smart phone their parents bought them and complain about how bleak their life is.

It's nostalgic, not ironic

It's OK, you can admit it.

One thing that has been driving me bloody nuts is the boom of Borinies. That is the male fanbase of the re-released reboot of the 'My Little Ponies' franchise. Granted there are a few different “reasons” for the fandom. The Furries claim to be the founding borinies, but that's debatable and you should never trust a furry anyway. If there is one group though that is getting to me more than others, it's the semi-hipster “ I like it ironically” types.

Generally I dislike any hipster saying they like anything ironically because they tend to misuse that phrase. The root of the problem here more is they use it as a shield. Look, I get it, you like it because it was an iconic franchise growing up in the 80s. MLP was all over- just as much as Gi-Joe, Barbie, TMNT etc... it's completely understandable that anyone may latch onto something that brings a deep sense of nostalgia.

I'm not going to judge, seriously. It's OK and you don't need to hide behind a curtain of “irony” to justify it. Being hipster I think there is 'less' danger from admitting that you like an iconic symbol of childhood, like bear traps with a can of blue ribbon. Countless hipsters fall to those every day. Just man up and say “I grew up with this, seeing it back fills me with warm memories of my youth, thus I like it for that reason.” Seriously, it's not that hard.

Welcome to the NEW Seattle

Superheroes beware

Over the past few years, cities all over the world have started to see a spike in costumed superheroes patrolling the streets and keeping areas crime-free for the most part. Like the comic books, these masked avengers of justice hold a interesting view with local law enforcement who see them as both a blessing and a curse. A bunch of amateur vigilantes running about bad neighborhoods? Nope, no chance of something going horridly wrong. Seattle based heroes now have another threat to contend with: a Super Villain.

That's right, “ the people's villain” has made his way to Seattle. Bowler cap tipped slightly, monocle glistening in the glow of a thousand fires. A villain with class looking to be rid of the troublesome vigilantes that roam the city- more so that meddlesome Phoenix Jones. Rex Velvet is his name, and he...well, he's a super villain. How that relates to the world of the real super heroes is beyond me, but the odds are he really just dislikes the ideas of untrained people in homemade costumes doing things that may get themselves or others hurt.

He has a point too; his main target, Phoenix Jones, has suffered more than a few major injuries while trying to be the hero, including broken bones and stabbings. I highly doubt Rex has any intentions of dropping Jones into a tank of mutant sharks, or bringing the moon down upon our heads, I'm more convinced that the idea is to bring awareness to the issue of vigilantism to the forefront- and to do it with some humor and class.

Real Life Barbie

Welcome to Uncanny Valley

We know very well that people will sometimes do pretty stupid things to their bodies to look like something else. There is the crazy cat lady for example. Let's not talk about the lizard guy or the people getting elf ears - those are awesome. I mean going that extra distance for a look that then usually fails. This time however it did not fail, in fact the end result is pretty much perfect, which makes it bloody creepy.

Meet 21-year-old Ukrainian Barbie drone Valeria Lukyanova. Her life goal ( ooh 21 years, that's long) was to look like Barbie. After countless surgeries, she's finally able to show off what a lack of common sense will do. I do have to give her credit, she does “ look” like Barbie. The issue is that she has officially crossed that line into uncanny valley. I think it's the overly large, vacant dead soulless eyes and no expression she has that does it.

Part of me wants to just look away to avoid the creep factor. Hell, real dolls and other things I KNOW are artificial but don't look it, creep me out less ( except wax fruit ) Yet another part wants to watch, almost like a train wreck, and another part of me wants to ask her for a referral as to who did her work. I may have to make a trip out that way for...um...vodka tasting events! Yeah, that's it, vodka...DON'T JUDGE ME!

I have no idea what we were thinking

The scars shall never heal...

It's a painful subject for many of us born in the last 30 years and one that we need to come to terms with. It's the painful realization that our choice of clothing during the late 80s and early 90s were an abortion of the senses and fit only for a clown suffering from a bad case of color confusion. Some of the younger folks may not know just how bad it was, so they must be warned, at least not to follow the same fate in the ever revolving “ trends-coming-back” thing.

“Oh it was not really THAT bad!” you say. I call denial. Baggy T&C surf design tank tops with bicycle spandex pants with geometric shapes on them, colored in florescent hues no less. Rainbow bread bicycle hat with the bill flipped up, neon green or pink ankle socks with taxi-cab checker board patterned loafer shoes. There, remember that? Let's not forget the accented neon friendship bracelets and neon fanny pack, most likely featuring the Batman logo to celebrate the 1989 Michael Keaton version.

Pretty bad now huh? Just to rub salt in the wound: hyper-color shirts, cross color brand clothes worn backwards , neon slap bracelets with tiger prints, wearing overalls ( both long and shorts versions) with one strap intentionally left down. And to top it off- the invention of sagging while wearing the painter pants backwards AND a backwards baseball jersey. Yeah...I'll just leave you to your flashbacks now. I think I made my point.

Common Google image searches result in pornography

Yes, I know the song. I know it states very clearly that it is what the Internet was for. Seriously though, it's getting out of hand. As an artist, home schooler, self employed designer and all around Internet user, I spend a great deal of time looking for things about the net, be it references or aids to help with teaching the kiddos. Yet it's gotten to the point that you can't do an image search on anything without running into mountains of porn.

I know you will say “ well turn on the filters!” and that is part of the problem. When filters are on, more so in Google, you can almost never find the legit thing you are looking for. Specific flowers, maps of the solar system, anatomy diagrams, even comic book characters. Filtered search is limited down to a very, very, very, small portion of what is out there, even major university sites will often not show up in those searches.

When the filter goes off, you can search for things like “ lilac blooms” or “ french toast” or anything you could want that's “ clean” in every sense of the word. Even “ weather” will bring up gobs of porn. Sure a flower name may trigger a keyword of a starlets stage name or what have you, but it's utterly insane what shows up in utterly unrelated ways. Why is that? Place the mouse over the image so it expands slightly and read the caption under it. You will note things like “ today's weather” or “ international news” and the likes.

That's right- keyword stuffing to get the web crawlers to rank them. What is more frustrating is that there is suppose to be a “ human” presence checking these things regularly. I'm not going to dump on the adult industry for trying to make a buck and I'm not going to cry moral anything, but I am going to say it's really about time they try to at least give some respect to the collective pool of data by keeping it organized in a way that won't allow cross contamination unless that's specifically what you're after.

Well that was stupid.

But at least they are clean.

I complained not to long ago about being out of ammo to talk about when it comes to the stupidity of our species. I knew it was only a matter of time before something utterly dumb happened to catch my attention. Oh sure little thing here and there have happened, but nothing that really felt “special.” It was not long before some brave, compassionate Canadians stepped up and did their best to make sure I never gained faith in our species. And how did they renew my pessimism? Lets just say they did a good job in washing the optimism away.

Police received calls in the middle of the night from residence living near a local car wash. They reported the sounds of shouting, and agony, fear...all those wonderful sounds when a less than brilliant plan falls flat on it's face. When officers arrived on scene they discovered a group of drunk, very wet teens getting dressed. What had happened? Apparently the boys, after a night of drinking, thought it would be a great idea to strip naked, hop into a shopping cart and wheel themselves into a high pressure automated carwash. They even picked the “ super typhoon “ setting. As expected everything fell apart once the machine started up and the boys realized just how dumb they actually were. Lesson learned the boys were more or less let off the hook to stagger home and like their clean, and freshly waxed wounds. I give it a week before they do something else now that they have earned net fame. I know how these kids are these days.

It's just not the same

A know-it-all is not an innovator

I have to rant about the last few generations. While yes I give the kids all the credit in the world for being bright and knowledgeable to a degree that most can't even start to wrap their heads around, the problem comes from one simple fact. They are regurgitating information. While the information they absorb, and ability to “ find” an answer is uncanny, it boils down to little more than that of a skilled parrot.

I'm not insulting them directly. It's not so much their fault; that's how they have been programmed to be. This boils down to not only parents, but the school system itself. The rules have shifted to test performance. The better they test, the better we look on paper and the states get more money based on test scores. In turn, the cities and individual schools get more money. It's not for innovation, it's not for helping the youth aspire to think, dream and reach out and tackle that which has no current answer. It's all about getting them to memorize for testing.

Some of the problem developed when we looked at places like Japan, well known for it's epically high testing rates. Envy swept the system and cries of “ why can't we test like that!?” echoed out. Sadly nobody ever really looked deeper into the rest of the story. Japan may test well, yet there is a major issue that results in it. Most people who finish school are now pretty much locked into one profession, one skill, one job title with no hope of ever climbing the ladder- ever. Why is it salary men are gone for 16 hours of the day or more and asleep on their feet? Why is it that they have the highest suicide rate in the world? Because the future is on a level of being a drone. Japan is currently looking on ways to fix this. The problem became so evident that groups of 5 and 6 year-olds committed suicide in an act of protest over the lack of future and choice. Is that really something we want to mirror? Making our youth drones?

We use to be the leaders of science and ingenuity. We were the dreamers and dared to do things no others had done. As it is now, the U.S is falling behind at an alarming rate in the science and tech industry. We are “ invited” to tag along in other nations' space programs, invited, not “ leading” like we once did. Why is that? It's because the idea to make those bold steps is lost to many of us. Why take leaps into the unknown when we can further milk what is safely known and readily searchable on the web? If we want to actually see a future of greatness we really need to focus on teaching to inspire and foster that passion to learn and take on challenges. This is far more than just something done through schools. Parents need to be just as catering to a young mind. Telling them to be quiet or Google an answer is no way to encourage growth, it just makes another living filing cabinet of knowledge best suited for bar trivia and repetitive tasks.

Seriously that's not talent

ever wonder what's getting you attention.

Awh the webber net. A world in which News, Entertainment, and the bottom of the human gene pool can somehow gain fame. Nobody can say they have not paused at least one to watch a morbidly obese individual with no teeth and a beard of sorts singing her take on a modern song, while managing to break every rule of physics in how sound “ should” somehow work. Seriously, they are not watching because that scraping shrieking sound you call singing is good.

I guess I could best chalk this up to the new version of the freak show. While the days of the carnival side show, and the great performers along legendary boardwalks are long gone the internet has given the theme a new life. Well; sorta. Biggest difference is that back then the performers knew what their draw was, be it standing only 3 feet, or 20, or being a 300lb woman ( yes there was a time when that was almost unheard of) Today however you see all sorts of people racking up hits, and it's not because they have talent, it's because there is something wrong with them physically and or mentally, or just simply flat out stupid. Now once in a while a few realize their draw is not talent, so they ham it up and have fun, which makes it actually amusing. For those who honestly don’t? One sort of has to feel sorry for them. That is again assuming that it really is going over their heads.

I really do care!

At leat I do...On the Weekends

There is nothing as powerful as easing the suffering of others. Taking a stand against the pain and misery of another be it animal , plant or human. Fighting for a nobel cause. Not everybody has the ability to always get down in the dirt and help in a hands on sort of way, therefore they resort to charity work or donations. Nobel in it's own right. Yet hidden among the caring souls lay a troll.

I call them the weekend charity or fad foundation. These are the people who love jumping on a good cause because it gets them attention and makes them look supirior to their peers, or at least they think it makes htem supirior. These are the people who jump headlong into the “ Don't you care about the kids!?!” arguments at the drop of a hat, and it becomes instantly obvious that they actually have no idea what it is they are talking about and utterly out of the loop. Yet they are relentless in reminding people of how caring they are, then interestingly enough they suddenly stop talking about it. The shift is so abrupt that it's actually quite jarring. That is until the next big “ cause” hits the internet.

You really have to question the motives. One one hand, sure they are spreading word of an issue at hand. However it's utterly obvious that they are purely in it for the social gains, or I should say more the illusion of a social elevation. It's disgusting to me how they latch on to something that may be a serious issue with little actual thought beyond wearing it like it's a brand of clothing, and ditch it the moment the internet frenzy dies down, then picking up a new cause when the next wave of Facebook causes hits them.

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