The Troll Who Perfected X-mas

The Troll Who Perfected X-mas

LOL! U mad Santa?

Nothing on this earth irritates me more than carolers coming to my door at the most inopportune time only to belt out horrid tone deaf and flat versions of holiday classics. This does not even start to factor in the possibility that I may have food in the oven, or are doing anything that requires my attention ( read that as finishing up a quest in that certain game that just came out). Granted there is some level of respect for these people whom out of the kindness of their hearts venture into the cold of night fighting sub freezing temperatures and holding no vocal talent to take the time to do something that is a dying tradition. You know what? It's dying for a reason! Now, that we established that lets focus on how to get rid of them, or at least make sure they skip you next year.

  • Pretend to be deaf.
    It may be sort of a jerk move, and you still end up having to sit through the songs. However when they finish is when you lay it out. There are two ways to go about this; the 'sweet' deaf person, or the “ OMG CAN'T YOU TELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” type. The sweet deaf requires you to smile big, and observe them in a borderline uncomfortable way, then clap at the end without making any noise and fire off some sign language. It helps to actually know some, if not make it up but hope nobody else knows any. The less that appreciative deaf person will stare at them with cold malice and a hint of impatience, wordlessly mouthing insults and taping their ear. In both cases they will feel awkward and are less likely to return ever again.


  • OMG I'm burning the cat!
    Carolers seem to enjoy showing up when most are sitting down for, or enjoying diner. It's all too tempting to get some dry ice ready for them, so as they sing the fog rolls about you giving a perfect opening to scream some obscenity and cry that whatever you are cooking ( the more questionable the better) is ruined. As above the idea is to make them feel awkward and less likely to return.The perk being you don't have to actually sit through the song.


  • NO! It's MY TURN!
    Nothing upsets amateur talent more than proving you have less talent, but vocal power that far outweighs theirs. Wait till they start singing then with a frightening amount of glee sing along...louder and even more out of tune than them. The louder, and more obnoxious the best. To complete it all it's a good idea to clap wildly and bounce like the special kid on the street after finding a lost banana sticker. It's a pretty good way to make sure they never return...ever.

There are countless other ways to approach the matter such as pretending “ or not” to be drunk or of questionable moral standing- really anything you can think of. Be creative and have fun. After all you never asked for people to show up at your door and eat moments away you could have used for other more important things.